it’s my birthday

Posted in Uncategorized on December 4, 2011 by jungle

a day for reflection.  contemplation.  studying the zymurgical arts.

remembering friends and good times.

there will be plenty of time for remembering bad times later on down the road so there’ll be none of that today.

i have truly been blessed by the places i’ve been and the people i’ve met and i’m grateful for all that.

i have a greater appreciation and respect for life in all it’s forms.

especially the bacteria that causes fermentation.

today will include a nice sunset, a few cold beers, and a couple of good friends.

interspersed with all that will be fragments of time called forth in memory of all those beautiful souls whose paths have crossed mine.

you know who you are.

i’ll laugh, chuckle, tell a few lies and probably snort beer through my nose.

and i’ll wonder what the hell the big deal was about having a BMW when a plain old BM is much more satisfying.

i miss you all.

 

karaoke

Posted in Uncategorized on December 3, 2011 by jungle

you know, you just haven’t lived until you’ve heard 40 people from 62 different countries sing “the land down under”.

mostly out of key.

it’s a visceral sort of feeling.

i mean…is a vegemite sandwich really that iconic?

(as a fan of marmite i really don’t know just how to take that.)

i was, however, in a strange ‘watching a train wreck’ kind of way, looking forward to the chunder part.

then, a few beers later, the ladies got to that part of the evening where they remembered all those assholes that somehow couldn’t live up to their expectations and, since they weren’t there to berate, decided to open up a big ol’ can of  “i will survive” on the rest of us.

of course the gangstas had to stand up and represent.

i was truly in awe.

as in “awe, shit, why couldn’t i have just gotten a couple of beers and gone home?”

by this time i was beginning to understand why it is always better to ARRIVE at a party drunk and high rather than to go sober and straight and try to catch up.

and then came “the voice”.

you know how, when things seem darkest in your life and you’re almost ready to just give up, you suddenly see a light that shows you the way out of the pit?

that’s what “the voice” is at a karaoke party.

it’s like an angel coming and putting her arm around you to say “lighten up, every little thing’s gonna be alright.”

or was it the back-to-back shots of Jim Beam?

 

attack of the arachnoids

Posted in day to day on November 29, 2011 by jungle

so i wake up a couple of days ago ready to greet the day as my usual happy go lucky attitude when i notice something amiss.

i jumped out of bed in gleeful anticipation of the new days glory and almost fell on my butt because of the pain in my foot.

now, as both of you who read this blog know, i’m a pretty tough guy.  it’s going to take more than the loss of a toe to take me down.

i says to myself  “self, whoever put that pain in my toe must be a professional because he put it in exactly the right spot in order to maximize the pain and increase the volume of my little girl screams. i wonder who this could be?”

not being very loquacious i shut up at that point and began the arduous process of examining the offending digit.

right there.  at the base of my toe was a glaring hematoma (get it? …  hema-toe-ma?)  anyway…

…this wasn’t your basic blister.

there was a bite mark right in the middle of it.  not a fiddleback or a black widow.

this was a tarantula bite…a curly brown tarantula bite.

those ungrateful bastards!

i’ve welcomed them into my home (ok, they were here first), swept their competition out of the house, left chopped up, spider bite sized (and i know just how big that is now) vienna sausages out for them, and protected them from the ravages of hurricanes, tropical waves, and blue northers and this is how they repay me.

now i know how the american indians feel about thanksgiving.

this is a clear warning shot across the bow of my manifest destiny.

this morning when i woke up i found the head of my favorite gecko on the pillow next to me.

 

Sasquatch

Posted in day to day on November 27, 2011 by jungle

i was riding with a friend on my way to the Driftwood Cafe fantasizing about ice cold salva vidas and hands down the best burger i’d ever had in my life.

it was a sunny day in early november with a nice steady breeze and just enough cloud cover to keep things cool but not enough to hoo-doo your tan.

all things were right in my world and i couldn’t imagine anything messing it up.

then it happened…out of the corner of my eye…something big…hairy…making unintelligible noises…grunts, growls, groans and moans as it tried to pull the golf cart to a stop.

i thought it was the end…my life started to flash before my eyes.

during the intermission i realized i was still breathing and not in too much pain.

by this time we had pulled into the Driftwood parking lot and everything seemed to be ok.

as i pensively sipped my ice cold salva vida i figured maybe it had all been a dream or a short blast of an haluccinatory experience.  some leftover detritus from a former life.

so i forgot about it.

then Brooks (not his real name) came running in all out of breath.

he took a breath, a slug of beer and said to me and Bruce (not his real name), “OK, guys, a group of us decided to shave and re-grow full beards for charity.”

(that voice…)

“We’re not going to shave for a month and, at the end of the month,  for a donation to the cause, we will shave our beards just the way the winning bidders want us to and not shave any other way until the appointed time.”

(that smell…)

“We will all put in an entry fee in order to be a part of this glorious quest and yea verily any who shall shave their beard before the appointed time shall be held accountable. ”

(there aren’t any mountains here, why is he talking like Moses?)

“The proceeds will go towards buying xmas (yes he said xmas) toys for kids on the island.  Can i have another beer?”

and that is why i have this scraggly, scratchy beard.

can i have another beer?

 

 

fun with math

Posted in day to day with tags , , , on November 10, 2011 by jungle

growing up in an orphanage/farm i never could quite understand why adults thought math was so important.

hell, i already knew all the math i was ever likely to need as far as i could see.

11 eggs to a dozen, 13 doughnuts to a dozen, and doing the dozens.

99 cents was all you needed at the dollar store and there was two bits to a quarter (and that was all you needed for a movie, a coke, and a box of popcorn).

i was only 16 and i was all set.

then one day, blissfully unaware that things were about to get more complex than i could ever have imagined, i stumbled into an algebra 1 class.

i had never seen so many strange symbols all at once.  that chalk board was covered with ’em.

now, being raised in Texas (take off your hat) i knew about brands and marks.

i could recognize mr. chisums “jinglebob” and i knew about mr. kings running W.

i knew mr. c.c. slaughters long S and stephen f. austins fanciful F.

but those things on that board just blew me away.

kinda like this:

 

i love math.

 

 

 

early morning

Posted in day to day with tags , , , , on November 7, 2011 by jungle

you know, i really don’t mind waking up early.

it’s nice to sit and meditate during those hours before the sun finally chases the street lights out of the night and the traffic sounds start.

i’ve discovered that it can be quite entertaining listening to young roosters learn how to crow as they rehearse the words and the melody of their soon-to-be-daily anthem.

as opposed to the discordance of a flock of grackles waking up just a bit later and getting ready to be totally worthless for yet another day.

the rooster has a purpose in the way that he announces the new day letting everyone know that all is right with the world and it’s time to go about the business of life.

grackles are just discordant and annoying.

roosters take me back to a simpler time.

grackles  make me want to grab a 12 gauge automatic shotgun.

i know i should probably be more accepting.

i know i should probably embrace the whole grackle thing and become one with them so i can understand and appreciate their song.

but i haven’t had my coffee yet and this shit is just pissing me off!

 

so…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on November 2, 2011 by jungle

my thoughts these days are pretty scattered.

i feel the need to write something but i’m not focused enough to know what that would be.

i could write about my project to build a raised garden but i’m the only person in the world who really gives a shit about that so…

my plans to avenge the guitar-  and harp-napping that occurred a few weeks ago (no, you rat bastards, i haven’t forgotten!) might be a little more interesting but the wrong person might read my blog and foil my plans so…

the news that some mad scientists in the u.k. (those zany Bristolians) have successfully bred swampers in captivity could be easily twisted into some perverted fantasy involving ecstasy and rubber suits but that is probably too far off track for the sensitivity of my gentle readers so…

speaking of the u.k. some woman in west lothian went into labor labour while taking her driving test, passed it(the test), and drove herself to the hospital where she promptly gave  birth.

but nobody’s going to believe a woman could pass a driving test so…

that last bit i stole from fark so…

i’ve typed something over two hundred words now and haven’t said a damned thing so…

 

yet another “vegan”

Posted in rants with tags , , , , , , on October 24, 2011 by jungle

why do i have to suffer this?

people i don’t even know (or, in some cases, don’t even want to know) keep looking at me with the smugness that is the badge of the completely incorruptible, morally superior, supremely ethical transcendent human being.

“i’m a vegan.  i refuse to participate in the exploitation of animals.  i’m a better person than you.”

really?

do you know how many hundreds of animals died in order to bring you that rice on your plate?

how many died to make sure you got the exact grade of cotton to make your shirt comfortable?

i grew up on a farm.

surrounded by rice paddies.

i used to watch the combines push green frogs ahead of them like waves crashing on the beach.

they didn’t seem to be having much fun.

the frogs i mean.

this rib-eye steak i’m having cost one life.

that piece of corn on the cob on your plate took hundreds of animals from a healthy eco system.

i guess it is pretty cool, though, to be able to point to a place in the night sky and say  “i’m from there.”

and the person standing next to you is thinking “i totally believe that!”

 

doomsday

Posted in day to day with tags , , on October 19, 2011 by jungle

well, Harold Camping is in the news again.

and he says the world is actually going to end this friday, oct. 21…

you see he made a little mistake in his calculations when he first said the world would end on may 21.

he’s really sorry about all those people who sold their houses and gave him their money but, in actual fact, he is not personally responsible for what people do with their money and he’s not going to give it back.

i wonder if that argument would fly with american express.

anyway, i’m going to act as if it is the real end of the world and drink real beer and eat real barbecue for the next few days.

the problem i have with all of this is that i just got my Course Director Status updated and now i’m not going to be able to use it.

dayumm!

all dressed up and nowhere to go.

 

 

 

 

crabs

Posted in Uncategorized on October 11, 2011 by jungle

i am constantly astounded by the amount of energy people put into tearing each other down.

and it always brings back the same memories.

i used to go crabbing along the jetties of the Texas Gulf coast when i was a boy.

i could sit by myself all day long with a chicken neck tied to a string in one hand, a bucket next to me, a dip net in the other hand, and a world full of adventures running through my head.

i was always the hero in those adventures and good always triumphed over evil.

every single time.

i learned a lot about life, as well.

like, never put the chicken neck too close to your big toe.

never set your peanut butter and jelly sandwich down.  no matter what.

seagulls taught me that.

(i found out later that this applies to beers, too.)

i also found out that you need a lid for your crab bucket because, although a crab doesn’t look very smart, there’s nothing he can’t do when left to his own devices.

he will find a way out of that bucket.  even if he has to knock it over with the force of his own weight.

and it’s almost unbelievable how high he can climb.

given time he will succeed.

the most amazing thing though, is that as soon as you catch the second crab, you can forget about putting the lid back on the bucket because those crabs will then commence to spending all of their time and energy pulling each other down.

ripping and clawing, biting and stabbing.

each one wondering why they can never accomplish anything worthwhile.

and, as far as i can see, people do the exact same thing to each other.

where’s the blue star ointment of life when you need it?

this islands got crabs.

 

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