Archive for the Uncategorized Category

a new smoker

Posted in Uncategorized with tags on March 7, 2014 by jungle

so, myself and a friend are having a custom built smoker made.

it’s a good sized vertical smoker that will hold 15 chickens or a 4 foot long pig.

(hold on, i’m salivating…or is that salvavating?)

we’ve been doing this for about a month now on another friend’s already built smoker.  two days a week.

we’re using buttonwood which grows wild here and it smells and tastes just like mesquite and, being from Texas (hat over heart) that’s a really good thing.

the unfortunate thing about all this is we sell out every day we smoke so we don’t get to eat a lot of this chicken…actually, none so far.  but we get a lot of good reviews and we sell it all.

one other problem is that the chickens are  hiding in abandoned coops and writing diaries so they are getting harder to find.

it’s a good thing that buttonwood can’t move very easily but it still trembles when we pass.

we’ve already smoked a  pork leg and some chicken breasts but what we’re doing now are whole chickens for takeaway and for use on the Driftwood menu.  i’m on a quest to find somebody with a camera and will be posting pictures.  watch this space.

i’ve already had one woman ask me if i will put her on the smoker if she dies and comes back as a chicken…she promises that she will have nice big breasts…true story.

i think i’m going to get another beer…later on, y’all.



utila honey

Posted in Uncategorized on July 2, 2013 by jungle

one of the things i’ve missed most during my time on this island is honey.

i mean real honey, not that watered down, chemical filled crap you get from Monsanto.

i’m talking about the pure unadulterated kind you get from real bees.  bees that feed on the pollen of real plants that grow in your neighborhood (or at least very close by).

the fact that they just a little africanized is a small price to pay.

i never thought i would ever see that here.

but still… i missed it.

so where did this bottle of real, pure honey that’s sitting on my table in front of me come from?


the savannah of utila to be exact.

and man is it good.  and good for you.

it’s so dark it’s almost black.  it’s thick and it hits the back of your throat like sweet liquid silk.

i thought i’d never experience this here.  but here it is.

so now there are working bee hives on this little island.

in fact there are two sets of bee hives on the island.  one in the aforementioned savannah, the other

in the bush.

the one in the bush is somewhat different given the different pollens available there.

it’s a rich golden color.  so after all this time i not only have real honey available to me but i have two different types

of real honey.

from the same small island.

i wonder how this is going to affect the rest of the fantasies i’ve held onto all this time.












so after all th


the new world

Posted in Uncategorized on January 29, 2013 by jungle

2012 was not a bad send off of the old world.  i had the extreme pleasure of teaching 11 new scuba instructors with the help of a very capable IDC Staff Instructor from yet another place where everyone talks funny.  it was good to get back to that.

from what i remember, new years eve was a lot of fun (those you tube videos were faked, by the way, just sayin’) and i really felt good about looking up at the sky at midnight with my feet planted firmly in the sand of chepe’s white hole and seeing a few old friends.  i’m getting the sand worms removed this Friday.

2013 has ushered in quite a few changes.

i’ve moved into a new apartment.  a place i really like.  it’s comfortable, clean, (mostly) and has no brown recluse spiders (or any other kind).

i have a lot of time for reading now and i take great delight in constantly annoying my friends to death with my new insights.  (as well as some old ones i’ve taken off the shelf and dusted)

i have successfully repelled a weevil invasion by putting the whole container of flour in the freezer for four days.  they never saw THAT coming! now all i need is a sifter to help get their little dead weevil bodies out so i can make biscuits and gravy again.  with crunchy bacon.

i also have put down a hostile takeover attempt by a cartel of roaches who were intent on squatting in my kitchen.  i treated them to a Raid bomb (i don’t have a problem with biological warfare as long as the cause is just) and promptly disposed of three and a half kilos of roach bodies.

i hung all four of them on the wall outside my front door as a warning to future interlopers.

so far my favorite accomplishment this year is finally becoming comfortable with the blues “A” scale on the guitar.  this calls for a big “thank you” to my pig farming friend for his patience and perseverance.  only five more scales to go.

my computer at home died and i’m looking for a new one.  as i have no clue exactly what kind of computer i need/want this could take some time.

so my current trend of putting large chunks of time between posts is likely to continue for a while.

i’ll be thinking about ya.


the winter of my brown recluse

Posted in Uncategorized on February 15, 2012 by jungle

my brown recluse bite (yeah, i said it was a tarantula but that’s just because they’re cuter and stuff, besides, do you people believe everything you hear?  geez, don’t get so touchy for…well, just don’t get so touchy, ok?) is healing nicely in week 9 of “the winter of my brown recluse” and i am (was) almost walking normally.

last night at 10:55 pm i was roused from my nocturnal sojourn through a particularly interesting (at least for me) fantasy (would you like to hear about it?  didn’t think so…) by an intense urge to vacate the space i like to call “my kidneys”.

i swung my legs over the bed, put them firmly on the floor, and jumped back into the bed screaming like a little girl due to the feeling of an intense electric shock running from my right foot to the base of my neck.

i turned on the lamp, saw the offending scorpion, secured the sacred broom handle and slowly crushed the life out of the rat bastard what stung my paw.

then i checked for breathing (for 10 seconds), felt for a pulse, and reached for the O2 kit.

just kidding.  i put the broom handle down and reached for the mop as my heretofore fully laden kidneys now had a surprisingly empty feeling.

anyways, the scorpion formerly known as “Freight Train Turner” is currently a mucilaginous spot on the floor by my fan.

did i mention it was my only uninjured foot?

the Doctor says i’ll be dancing in a few weeks, which is good because i couldn’t do that before.




Chili Cookoff

Posted in Uncategorized on December 11, 2011 by jungle

It’s time!

Time for the 6th Annual Driftwood Bar & Grill Chili Cookoff!

This year the money collected goes for Christmas toys for the children of Sandy Bay.

I, personally, will be a judge this year because, frankly, I think it’s time to give someone else a chance to win this thing.

There are, I think, at least a couple of people on this island who are resentful of my continued success and, well, I sincerely feel sorry for them so I guess it’s time to share a little bit of the glory.

As usual the rules include the time-honored no beans, no veggies, and no foo-foo garnishes.

The winning chili will consist only of meat, tomatoes, and spices.

Anyone caught including potatoes (you know who you are), lima beans (you should be ashamed of yourself), or okra (i just don’t know what to say about this) will be summarily disqualified by walking the plank off the Driftwood dock and being pelted with chunks of said potatoes, beans and okra.

And being invited back next year (we’re not a vindictive bunch) for more chili fun.

This years cookoff includes people from all over the world and, as such, is truly an international event so the winner can truly call himself a world champion chili chunker.

There will be copious amounts of name calling, beer slamming, chili chugging, cornbread eatin’, moaning, wailing, and gnashing of teeth.

All for one of these:

Ladies and gentlemen unwrap your Tums.

Christmas Toys For Children

Posted in Uncategorized on December 7, 2011 by jungle

During the course of No-shaving-vember seven of stout souls suffered embarrassment, ridicule, harrassment,  and itchy beards.

“Hey!  You need to stand a little closer to your razor.”,  “Need a cat?”,  and “That doesn’t cover nearly enough of your face.”, are phrases I don’t need to hear for a while.

There were 12 guys who started this long road and only seven actually stayed the course.

It was a long, long month.

Myself, JJ, Bruce, Dave, Erik the Swede, Scotty and Brooks completed the challenge.

Two have succumbed to PTSD (Post Traumatic Shaving Disorder) and are currently undergoing a regimen of alcohol and Schedule II pharmaceuticals.

Just to be on the safe side the rest of us are, too.

The end of the month long whisker fest was only the beginning of the pain and humiliation, though.

We also were put on display at Tranquila Bar and our beards were sold to the highest bidder.

Then the torture began.

Armed with dull razors and shears that were dangerously low on battery power the winners of the bidding began their work.

Through the howls, screams, moaning and crying could be heard the cheers and maniacal laughter of the crowd.

Now, with patchy beards, gaping cuts and scarred souls, we have to stay like this for at least three more days before we are allowed to shave normally.

With shaving cream this time.

But we managed to raise more than $600 to buy Christmas gifts for the children of this little island.

And that’s a good thing.

it’s my birthday

Posted in Uncategorized on December 4, 2011 by jungle

a day for reflection.  contemplation.  studying the zymurgical arts.

remembering friends and good times.

there will be plenty of time for remembering bad times later on down the road so there’ll be none of that today.

i have truly been blessed by the places i’ve been and the people i’ve met and i’m grateful for all that.

i have a greater appreciation and respect for life in all it’s forms.

especially the bacteria that causes fermentation.

today will include a nice sunset, a few cold beers, and a couple of good friends.

interspersed with all that will be fragments of time called forth in memory of all those beautiful souls whose paths have crossed mine.

you know who you are.

i’ll laugh, chuckle, tell a few lies and probably snort beer through my nose.

and i’ll wonder what the hell the big deal was about having a BMW when a plain old BM is much more satisfying.

i miss you all.



Posted in Uncategorized on December 3, 2011 by jungle

you know, you just haven’t lived until you’ve heard 40 people from 62 different countries sing “the land down under”.

mostly out of key.

it’s a visceral sort of feeling.

i mean…is a vegemite sandwich really that iconic?

(as a fan of marmite i really don’t know just how to take that.)

i was, however, in a strange ‘watching a train wreck’ kind of way, looking forward to the chunder part.

then, a few beers later, the ladies got to that part of the evening where they remembered all those assholes that somehow couldn’t live up to their expectations and, since they weren’t there to berate, decided to open up a big ol’ can of  “i will survive” on the rest of us.

of course the gangstas had to stand up and represent.

i was truly in awe.

as in “awe, shit, why couldn’t i have just gotten a couple of beers and gone home?”

by this time i was beginning to understand why it is always better to ARRIVE at a party drunk and high rather than to go sober and straight and try to catch up.

and then came “the voice”.

you know how, when things seem darkest in your life and you’re almost ready to just give up, you suddenly see a light that shows you the way out of the pit?

that’s what “the voice” is at a karaoke party.

it’s like an angel coming and putting her arm around you to say “lighten up, every little thing’s gonna be alright.”

or was it the back-to-back shots of Jim Beam?



Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on November 2, 2011 by jungle

my thoughts these days are pretty scattered.

i feel the need to write something but i’m not focused enough to know what that would be.

i could write about my project to build a raised garden but i’m the only person in the world who really gives a shit about that so…

my plans to avenge the guitar-  and harp-napping that occurred a few weeks ago (no, you rat bastards, i haven’t forgotten!) might be a little more interesting but the wrong person might read my blog and foil my plans so…

the news that some mad scientists in the u.k. (those zany Bristolians) have successfully bred swampers in captivity could be easily twisted into some perverted fantasy involving ecstasy and rubber suits but that is probably too far off track for the sensitivity of my gentle readers so…

speaking of the u.k. some woman in west lothian went into labor labour while taking her driving test, passed it(the test), and drove herself to the hospital where she promptly gave  birth.

but nobody’s going to believe a woman could pass a driving test so…

that last bit i stole from fark so…

i’ve typed something over two hundred words now and haven’t said a damned thing so…



Posted in Uncategorized on October 11, 2011 by jungle

i am constantly astounded by the amount of energy people put into tearing each other down.

and it always brings back the same memories.

i used to go crabbing along the jetties of the Texas Gulf coast when i was a boy.

i could sit by myself all day long with a chicken neck tied to a string in one hand, a bucket next to me, a dip net in the other hand, and a world full of adventures running through my head.

i was always the hero in those adventures and good always triumphed over evil.

every single time.

i learned a lot about life, as well.

like, never put the chicken neck too close to your big toe.

never set your peanut butter and jelly sandwich down.  no matter what.

seagulls taught me that.

(i found out later that this applies to beers, too.)

i also found out that you need a lid for your crab bucket because, although a crab doesn’t look very smart, there’s nothing he can’t do when left to his own devices.

he will find a way out of that bucket.  even if he has to knock it over with the force of his own weight.

and it’s almost unbelievable how high he can climb.

given time he will succeed.

the most amazing thing though, is that as soon as you catch the second crab, you can forget about putting the lid back on the bucket because those crabs will then commence to spending all of their time and energy pulling each other down.

ripping and clawing, biting and stabbing.

each one wondering why they can never accomplish anything worthwhile.

and, as far as i can see, people do the exact same thing to each other.

where’s the blue star ointment of life when you need it?

this islands got crabs.


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