“it was a dark and stormy night…

right up until the moment i heard a gasoline assisted “whump!” and saw a pile of leaves  go up in flames  3 meters high just outside my window.

the next three seconds  witnessed  my apartment filling up with smoke to the point where i actually  had to get out of bed, get dressed, turn off the tv (where one of hugh hefners’ girlfriends was explaining her addiction to balls), grab what was left of my crown royal, and vacate the building.

(drop and roll, drop and roll…)

at this point there were five more “whumps” in rapid succession, more flames, more smoke, and a spontaneously dis-assembled crown royal bottle in pieces around me at the bottom of the stairs next to what was left of my ass.

i crawled across the yard in darkness permeated with smoke and ash through barbed wire fences, chicken droppings, and some as yet unidentified sludge that looked and smelled suspiciously like horse shit and baby oil.

(don’t ask me how i know)

i looked back and saw my landlord leaning on a hoe (shame on you!) shouting “gonna be some rain tonight, gotta be ready!”), stood up, shook back my clothes, and walked into town for a couple of late night beers.

and you’re probably sitting there thinking i made this up.